Books For Faith

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle when you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with memory?
A: Storing memory is not a problem -- retrieving it is a problem.

Filed under: Humor | No Comments »

Our story happened a long time ago in a small farm just outside Littleville. All the animals lived in peace there, spending their time having fun and playing in the sun all day long. They had nothing to worry about; all they had to do was provide food for their master. So the cows gave milk, the chickens laid eggs, the dogs guarded the farm, and the horses helped the master in his daily work.

The little duck, the baby dog and the piglet were best friends. They played together all day and they shared everything. But they were naughty and did not listen to their parents. They were often punished for doing bad things.
One day, they were playing near the chickens' coop. As they were running around, chasing each other they accidentally broke all the eggs.
"What have you done?" asked the angry Dog Father. "Look at this mess. The master will be so angry. You know you're not allowed here.
What were you thinking?"
"You'll spend the rest of the day cleaning up this mess," said the rooster. "If this happens one more time you will not be allowed here anymore."
The rooster was the head of the animals. He looked after the farm and made sure everybody was doing their job. He hated the three
friends because they never listened and they were always creating
problems.
"I hope the master will take them away from the farm," he often used to say.
That day the three friends decided to run away from the farm.
"I am sick of everybody telling me what to do," cried the piglet.
"Yes, me too. We're not allowed to do anything around here. The rooster is always shouting at us and our parents are always angry," said the little dog.
"We should run away," proposed the duck. 'If we go somewhere else we'll be able to do whatever we want and no one will ever make us do these stupid things."
"I agree. Let's leave tonight. We could get out when everybody's sleeping."
The rooster overheard the discussion and came up to them.
"Why would you want to leave?" he asked. "Don't you like it here?"
"No, we don't," answered the three friends. "You're always so mean to us."
"Me? I'm not mean. I just have to do my job. But you are right; you should be allowed to leave if that's what you really want. I'm going to help you escape tonight," said the evil rooster as he left.
"He's not as bad as I thought he was," noticed the duck. "We were wrong about him. We shouldn't be mad at him; he's just doing his job."
"Yes, that is true," replied the little dog. "And he is so nice for helping us."
As they planned, the three friends met with the rooster that night. He showed them a hole under the fence that led them outside.
"You'll be able to fit through there," said the rooster. "Now, be careful, be very quiet. You don't want to wake anybody up. Now hurry! I'll keep an eye out for you."
"Thank you mister rooster," the three whispered as they were getting out.
"No, thank you!" thought the rooster as he was returning to the farm.
It was already morning when the three friends reached the nearest forest. They decided to hide in the forest in case someone came looking for them. Being very tired, they soon fell asleep.
Meanwhile, back at the farm, the friends' parents were going crazy.
"Where could they have disappeared to?"
"They must be around here somewhere, there is no way out of the farm," replied the horse.
"No, there is a way," said the cat.
"No, there is no way out!" shouted the rooster. "The master must have taken them. It is a tragedy but there is nothing we can do about it now. Everybody should get back to work. The master will be back soon."
"No, the master didn't take them. I would have heard him last night," answered the dog. "We'll go look for them. Where is the way out?" he asked the cat.
"Everybody back to work," shouted the rooster.
"NO!" shouted the dog, moving towards the rooster. "You've always hated the little ones. I wouldn't be surprised if you were behind all this. We're going to go look for them and that's the way it's going to be, is that clear?"
"How dare you? I love them. I wouldn't hurt them.'"
"Good, than you're going to help us look for them," said the angry dog.
Back in the forest the three friends were waking up. The first one to wake was the piglet.
"Come on, wake up. I'm hungry," he said to the others.
"Yes, I'm hungry too," said the little dog.
"Me too!" they heard someone behind them. "And here's my lunch!"
"It's a wolf!" the duck shouted. "Run!"
"I want to go back to the farm," the piglet shouted as they were running.
"I don't know the way! Do you?" answered the duck.
"No!" said the piglet in a trembling voice.
"Faster, faster, he's gaining on us!" shouted the little dog.
"Here, here!"
They spotted a small hole in the ground and hid there. They were small so they had no problem getting in. But the hole was small and they could all barely fit.
"Ah, I've got you!" said the wolf as he was trying to get in. But he was too big to reach them. "You think you're safe there?" he laughed. "You're not!" and he started digging around the hole.
The three friends were so scared. For the first time they realized the stupid thing they had done. And for the first time they missed their home. They looked around but there was no way out.
"What are we going to do?" asked the duck.
"We have to fight him. We have to try to escape," answered the little dog.
"But we can't do that, he's so big, he'll eat us all."
As they were arguing about what to do they heard their parents calling them.
"We're here, we're here," they all shouted. "Help us!"
"Look! What's that wolf doing there? They must be in that hole," said the Father Dog. "We must hurry."
But the horse was already galloping fiercely towards the wolf. "Get away from there!" he shouted. 'You are not going to hurt those little animals!" he said just as he jumped on the wolf. Soon the dogs arrived to help the horse. The wolf was outnumbered and weak in the face of all the raging animals and ran back into the forest.
"I'm so glad you found us," said the piglet with tears in his eyes.
"I am so sorry, Father. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. I'll never disobey you again."
"Please forgive us. We didn't mean to cause any problems," cried the duck.
"And the rooster said it was for our own good, and that if we wanted to go we should be free to do so. We're so sorry," added the little dog.
"I said no such thing!" exclaimed the rooster. "I told them not to go, but they didn't listen."
"Really?" asked the horse. "But you said you didn't see them. You said that the master must have taken them. How did you tell them they shouldn't go if you didn't even see them?" "That's right, you're lying," said the Mother Duck.
"Now you're the one who should be running. You are not welcome at the farm anymore," added the dog.
All the animals returned to the farm leaving the rooster to find his way through the forest.
And what happened to our friends? Well, they're not little anymore. They have their own families now, but they will never forget the scary adventure they had when they were younger.

Filed under: Children | No Comments »

Our story happened in a small mountain town where Amy lived with her parents in the most beautiful house around. Amy was a pretty girl, the pride of her parents, but she was lazy. She slept a lot and every morning, when the first sun beam caressed her face, she used to ignore the light, turn around and go back to sleep.

But that day was different. That morning the first beam of light didn't annoy her. She opened her eyes. Amy was happy. She was happy that it was finally morning and that she could get up. She jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs and jumped around her mother's neck kissing her good morning.

"Oh Mom, how long before the guests arrive?" she asked. "Did you
bake the cake? Are the cookies ready? Did Daddy buy the balloons?

Aw, I'm finally turning 8!" she shouted happily.

"Amy, why don't you help me a little and go clean your room. What will the guests say when they see that mess?" her mother replied.

"No, Mom, I can't! There's something I must do."

Yes, she had to do something that morning. She had to destroy the
anthill in their backyard. "Ants are so evil, they always pinch me,"
she used to say.

The door slammed shut as Amy ran out. "Come on, pinch me now! Come on evil ants," she shouted as she was jumping all over the anthill. And she jumped until it was completely destroyed.

Amy felt so proud and happy that she had finally gotten rid of those
evil ants.

The party was a success. All the kids had fun, especially Amy who
laughed all day long. Of course, she was wearing the pink dress, a
gift from her mother. Finally, it was time to blow the candles out and eat the cake. This was the happiest moment for Amy. She could finally make her wish!

She didn't feel any happiness or joy as she looked at the pinch marks on her feet. She felt only hate. Amy was no longer as sweet and pretty as she thought: "I wish for all the ants in the world to die! All of them, all of them, especially those in my backyard!"

The evening came and it was time for bed. Her mother took her to bed
and as Amy was lying down she whispered: "I hope your wish was to be kinder and more forgiving."

The sun beam didn't caress Amy's face the next morning. "Maybe the
sun didn't get up yet," she thought as she lay in bed. While she was
trying to go back to sleep a strange voice scared her.

'Who are you? What are you doing in my... Hey! Where am I?" exclaimed Amy. She looked around the room and she couldn't believe her eyes. Instead of her home she was inside a smaller room made of earth.

There was a bed, a chair, a table and a small bookcase in the room. No windows. No doors. Just a small opening on the front wall.

"Where am I?" she shouted desperately. "What do you mean where are you? You're in your room, what's wrong with you? Come on, hurry up, everybody has already eaten and they have all left for work," the voice replied.

"Work? WORK? What work? I don't have to do anything. Mom and Dad do everything," Amy said.

What's wrong with you today? Every ant must work! We won't have
anything to eat if we don't."

"ANT?! But I'm a..." Amy turned to stone. She WAS an ant.

"Come on, hurry up and stop fooling around. We have to gather enough food before the monster comes."

"Monster? What monster?"

"A little girl. I don't know why she hates us; we never did anything to her. Not even the Wise Ants can understand. Every day she comes
and destroys our home. We're so scared; we won't have enough food
this winter. Every day we must rebuild the anthill. The queen is
desperate; she worries that many of us won't make it through the
winter."

That day Amy lived like an ant. She ate and then she joined the
other ants in their efforts to gather the necessary food: seeds,
corn, and pollen. She was no longer scared. She learned to love the
ants and she enjoyed living with them. As everybody was working happily the laughter soon gave way to screaming. The sky turned dark and she could hear a loud boom. She couldn't believe her eyes. Two large feet were destroying the anthill and killing the other ants. She tried to pinch the feet, to stop them, but she was so small. She couldn't stop them. In a few seconds, everything was destroyed, all the work was useless.

"Noooooooo," she screamed, "why are you doing this?"

"Amy. Amy! Calm down darling. You were just having a bad dream,
that's all. Everything is OK now." Her mother was lying in bed, next to her.

"Oh Mom, I had the worst nightmare. I'm so happy you're here. Where's Dad?"

"He's downstairs, in the kitchen."

She rushed down the stairs. "Dad, Dad, you have to help me. We have
to build a fence. Please Dad. Please! Let's go! Right now! There's
no time" she said as she was dragging her father outside.

A few hours later the anthill in the backyard was surrounded by a
beautiful little green fence.

"What did you dream? You scared me," her Mother said as Amy was
cleaning her clothes.

"Oh, Mom, the poor ants."

Filed under: Children | No Comments »

Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow."

Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit." Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it."

Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don't see why not!" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing.

In less than 30 minutes a fox came along and ate the rabbit.

The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but ONLY if you are really high up.

[ Author Unknown ]

Filed under: Children, Humor, Selfishness | No Comments »

College professors, by department, describe a kiss:

COMPUTER SCIENCE
"A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte."

ALGEBRA
"A kiss is two divided by nothing."

PHYSICS
"A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an expansion of the heart."

CHEMISTRY
"A kiss is the reaction resulting from the interaction between two hearts."

ACCOUNTING
"A kiss must be considered an investment that is profitable when returned."

ECONOMICS
"A kiss is one of those things for which the demand is always higher than the supply."

PHILOSOPHY
"A kiss is persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old."

THEOLOGY
"A kiss is divine."

EARTH SCIENCES
"A kiss is a clean, green, renewable energy resource that works best when recycled often."
......

Filed under: Humor | No Comments »